The Mystery of the Hidden Castle - I

The PROLOGUE

Greetings, O Faithful Reader, and welcome to the Beginning of the Story.

The Beginning is the traditional place of beginning things, so this is where we are compelled to be at this moment--the Beginning. The Beginning is neither past nor present, yet it is both. The Beginning is a place where the unlimited potential of the Story gazes into the infinite possibilities of the multiverse and asks, "Whither shall I go?" But however infinite the possibilities, there is in truth but one course that is destined for the Story--the End. But before the Beginning becomes the End, there is Story. In truth, the Story exists in a constant and ever-present state of existence, such that any point along its infinite timeline might be considered a Beginning or an End; indeed, the Story might be well described as the eternal tension between the Beginning and the End, played out in the boundless present. But these arbitrary distinctions are less defined as existing as becoming into existence.

So, Faithful Reader, here we stand, on the brink of Oblivion, in the midst of the ever-present and eternal Story, at the Beginning--about to take the deep plunge into the Destined Unknown whence we shall emerge someday at the End. As I write this, the End indeed exists in the space of some unknown present; although hidden and unforeseen in the present you and I suffer through today, its existence remains a black spot on the unblemished soul of the Beginning. However hidden its existence, it lurks always, waiting to come and strike with the ruthlessness and secrecy of a parasite, maybe tomorrow, maybe today. Maybe now. Well, maybe not now. But where were we? Ah yes, the Beginning of the Story.

Welcome to the outer limits of a strange and wonderful land--a land of dreams, of nightmares, and certainly of mysteries; a land of good and evil, of truth and deception; a land of tales and of one tale in particular: the harrowing, mind-bending, fantastic tale that is the Mystery of the Hidden Castle. Welcome to a land where nothing is as it seems, where reality is just a meaningless word that attempts to cover the really inexplicable reality of unreality. And when your welcomed self has entered this strange reality of unreality, when it then finally regards this inconceivable dimension as real enough to be considered a true reality, when you finally believe you have come as far as you are able, when one more step with hurl you headlong into the Abyss, take one more step and be welcomed again to an even more strange reality of unreality beyond the former, for this is where our story begins!

Chapter 1 - The DETECTIVE

At dinner parties, that incomprehensible and never-quite-fun pastime of the middle class, it always makes me smile a little to myself on the inside, my secret joke that is had at the expense of every one of the unassuming guests.

"And what do you do for a living, Owen?"

I usually lie and tell some extravagant tale about how I hunt down illegal poachers, engage in private venture capital pursuits, or manage a string of the hippest underground club scenes in downtown New York. I don't think most people usually believe me. After two or three dinners, they usually stop inviting me. They decide that I have become a stain on the spotlessness of their social self-perception. But then I find another group of average, successful, comfortable people and it starts over again. This last time I proclaimed that I was the heir apparent to a wealthy family of vineyard owners, and I already had three choice wines named in my honor.

But in all actuality, I live a life no different from these people I secretly laugh at. I work in an office building, on the 17th floor, doing mindless tasks: processing, papering, typing, calculating, stamping, stapling, printing, faxing, phoning, staring. I don't know why my employer actually exists or what function they serve in society. I guess to give guys like me access to economic security and that average, successful, comfortable life that so defines life in our day.

Once at a dinner party I even told the truth when asked about my profession.

"Hey, it's Owen, right? What do you do?"

"I work in an office."

"Oh is that right? What sort of office?"

"The rectangular sort, with partitions."

Even with the truth, no one is ever really interested; they nod and half-smile in all the right places, but they're just waiting for you to stop so they can continue the bit about themselves. I don't mind though. It's when they're talking that I chuckle inside.

Because even this job, this office thing, isn't really my profession. That's why I laugh at these people; whether I lie or tell the truth, it makes no difference. It's all a front. Nobody knows, and nobody ever will know, that behind the facade of this boring reality I am living an actuality beyond the comprehension of those dinner party piggies.

In all actuality, I am searching for the Hidden Castle.

I can't tell you for how long I've been searching for it, or why, for that matter. But that's what I really do, my real profession: I'm a detective. My final goal: the Hidden Castle. My real life is spent in pursuit of its endless clues. Up until two days ago, in the seventh second of the fourteenth minute of the eighth hour, nothing really spectacular had ever occurred in this fantastic mystery case.

But two days ago, in the seventh second of the fourteenth minute of the eighth hour, everything changed--life as I knew it ceased to exist and the search took on dinner proportions of sizes too vast to grasp. It was on that day, a Monday, that it all began. At Disney World.

Insane Clown Posse Discovers the Mysterious Wonder of Magical Miracles

DETROIT--The dynamic musical duo of Detroit natives Joseph "Violent J" Bruce and Joseph "Shaggy 2 Dope" Utsler, known to fans (affectionately self-dubbed as "Juggalos" and "Juggalettes") worldwide as "horrorcore rap" group Insane Clown Posse, have recently discovered the sheer inexplicable magic of the many wondrous and extraordinary everyday events that comprise human life.

Attempting to shock the bourgeoisie out of mind-numbing complacency and into contemplation of the miraculous (and perhaps cannabis-hazed) reality of their version of the world, ICP's hit single "Miracles" (and more specifically, its viral music video) from the 2009 release Bang! Pow! Boom! is a more philosophical-introspective turn of songwriting, marking a distinct departure from the band's usual lyrical themes of cannibalism, murder, and necrophilia. "But I've seen miracles in every way/And I see miracles everyday," croon the critically-acclaimed pair with Shakespearean eloquence, atop an erect ziggurat of steel beams and garage door siding. Whether from divine inspiration or a trip to end all trips, ICP now proudly proclaims of earth: "There's enough miracles here to blow your brains."

"It's definitely a different side of ICP," commented Violent J, arriving at the interview in full ICP concert gear--black and white clown make-up, spiked hair, Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts. "We're tryin to show people out there, outside the Juggalo Fam, you know, all the haters, and even Juggalos too, that there's this magical thing out there, and shit. You know, stuff like magnets and miracles and scientists all trying to explain it. I mean, f---ing magnets! What the f---! That's what we're talking about. And shit."

ICP's newly discovered excitement about magnets finds proper articulation in one stanza of "Miracles," in which a disgruntled Violent J raps, "Water, fire, air and dirt/f---ing magnets, how do they work?/And I don't want to talk to a scientist/Y'all motherf---ers lying, and gettin me pissed." ICP's bold challenge to all magnet scientists has already begun to cause anxiety; when asked about possible untruths he might have contributed to within the field of electromagnetics, namely the alleged lie that magnets work by scientific laws and not by magic, Dr. Hanz Hutzbenstein angrily commented, "I don't understand what you're asking me. What's this about insane clowns?"

In another hemisphere of public conversation, right-wing and religious creationists may have found an unlikely partner in the ongoing evolution-creation debate. "It certainly appears that the members of ICP profess views very similar to our own, as far as creation goes," noted Rev. Dr. Jerome T. Bennet, a leading member of the Tennessee-based Creation Society Network, an evangelical television station. "However, we have to be careful about aligning ourselves with such a group. Apart from their usual lyrical content being, well, disgusting and unwholesome for our kids, they also strike us as just damn idiotic, plain and simple."

"ICP has always been 'The Most Hated Band in the World,'" says Violent J. "But its just sad to me. I'm sad that there are haters out there. Most people misunderstand us. We're just trying to understand what's out there, what this life's about, and shit."

As ICP's musical journey has led them to serious spiritual questioning, the Juggalo community has been favorably impressed by the band's quest into the unknown. Juggalette Bernice Barns commented, "I mean, I'm an agnostic, straight up, ok? I don't believe we can know what's out there. But I guess its the poetic quality in lines like '[there's] magic everywhere in this bitch' that I stop and think, 'Yeah, this world is pretty amazing.'" "I think the rainbows and different colors were what got to me," added Juggalo Mark Olson, noting the colorful, Barney-inspired landscapes featured in the music video. "It's just...yeah."

One anonymous Juggalo was particularly affected by the sense of mystery conveyed by the music video, exclaiming, "They talk about miracles and shit happening, and it's like f---ing...f---ing animals, and like, mountains and trees...and like, we don't even know how this shit happened yo, cuz f---ing nature, alright. Nature! F---! It's all nature and magic and miracles, dude. That's...that's the whole theme of the song. Yeah. I think James Cameron directed it, cuz it's like...it's like in 3D and shit...yeah. Like, I heard that like, while they were filmin', it was like, all miracles and shit, and that's how you get them all up on the observation deck, and singing and shit, and like. F--- scientists, man."

It need not be said that the next wave of Juggalo Meet-Ups across the country will be intense but worthwhile times of sharing, discussing, and expounding ideas and concepts raised by "Miracles" in between sessions on proper usage and grammar of the English language. We can also expect that no Juggalo of this generation will be making any strides in any type of academic/learning capacity, or, for that matter, showing any signs of an intelligence quotient above, say, 20, as he or she will likely be pissed at all scientists for lying and will be found continually clinging to ICP's unique blend of "pure motherf---ing magic" for years to come.

In other news, it is possible that there is no longer hope for America.